Category Archives: Relationships

In 2017, the stats showed that 14 million partners were in a long-distance relationship (LDR) while 3.75 million married individuals are in this kind of relationship.

But how long do they stay in this relationship? The majority of couples can only last 4 1/2 months before they decide to call it quits. Almost 40 percent of marriages in an LDR wind up in divorce.

However, it does not mean that long distance relationships will never work for you. It will work if the two of you want it to work. And of course, you need to communicate regularly. Every human relationship depends on communication. No one can’t maintain a relationship if he/she does not frequently talk with his/her partner.

If you failed to communicate while you are in an LDR, it could make you and your partner feel distant from each other. It could also breed distrust.

But how are you going to stay connected if you and your partner are 125 miles away from each other?

Schedule times to talk

Communicate more often is one of the fundamental rules of long distance relationships. Do communicate in pre-scheduled times to remove excuses.

Make sure that you communicate each other throughout the day to share what’s going on no matter how mundane some of those things may seem. Doing so will help your partner feel that he/she is part of your daily life.

Be creative

The primary goal here is to keep the spice alive. You can send little gifts.

If you think that your partner is having a night in, why not try to have pizza delivered to his/her house?

Various ways can help you creatively show that you care about your partner even if you’re far away from each other.

From time to time, try to send some audio clips, pictures of yourself or short videos. Play online games together. Watch a show together. Maintain a sacred routine (such as taco tuesdays where you both have tacos for dinner and video chat while enjoying it).

Don’t Be Afraid to Get Steamy Together

Sexual connection is vital in a relationship. Distance can definitely make this difficult, but it is important that your long distance relationship is different than your long distance friendships.

Get creative. Share your fantasies. Consider connecting your solo sex experiences and share your desires and wishes.

It is also helpful to anticipate connection when you reunite. Talk about what you are looking forward to doing together and feeling. This primes your brain to receive it more fully when it does happen (and helps rekindle your desire).

Find out each other’s schedules

Doing so will help you know when your partner is busy or free. In that way, you can text or call him/her at the right time.

Avoid disturbing your partner when he/she is in an important, critical situation, like a business meeting or midterm exam. That’s why it is vital that you and your partner have to discuss every small detail of your activities. In this way, the two of you will know the small and significant events happening in your lives.

Use a messaging app

Texting is the most common way to communicate. But you need more than just a messaging app on your phone to interact with more than just words and emoticons.

The good thing is that most messaging apps are free as long as you have an Internet connection.

Think of the big picture

You need to remind yourselves that your situation is temporary. It gives you a perspective on various things while it can help you sail through difficulties.

On the other hand, if the two of you are finding it difficult to stay connected but you wish your relationship to work, you might want to consider talking to an Edm

onton couples counselling psychologist. Working with a professional counsellor will help you reach clear and workable agreements with your partner.

Anxiety, Blog, Couples, Edmonton Career Counselling, Edmonton Healthy Lifestyle, Mindfulness, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Stress

Core Values: Improving Our Relationship With Ourself

April 1, 2018 mbecker

Something I work with almost ALL OF MY CLIENTS on, is improving our relationship with ourselves. This starts with changing the way we evaluate our worth by exploring our core values. There are many factors that influence how we evaluate our worth including:

Society values
Family values
Our experience growing up
Pressures such as perfectionism, making money and the focus on beauty
Need for approval
Need for control

One thing we know in psychology, is that people tend to be happier, have fewer psychological issues (like as anxiety and depression), and have a more consistent positive experience in life when they use INTRINSIC VALUES to evaluate themselves, vs EXTRINSIC VALUES.

EXTRINSIC VALUES (the ones we want to avoid when possible) include factors such as achievements, compliments, approval, and social media responses (such as the amount of “likes.” There is a big difference of using EXTRINSIC VALUES as a motivator or goal versus using them to evaluate one’s worth. A common problem people experience when using extrinsic values to evaluate themselves, is they can be doing everything well, and not be getting the feedback they need. Extrinsic values are often out of our control and we don’t get accurate feedback because we rely on others – such as a boss (who may not be good at giving positive feedback), society (that often has ulterior motives such as to sell us something), or an arbitrary assessment (such as a test that focuses on a small proportion of your knowledge).

WE ARE MORE THAN OUR ACHIEVEMENTS, JOB, MONEY, ATTRACTIVENESS TO OTHERS, POPULARITY, and STATUS.

So………what are INTRINSIC VALUES and how do we integrate them in our lives?

INTRINSIC VALUES are values that tell us about who we are. These values are typically consistent throughout our adult lives (and often developing in childhood and adolescence). There is no intrinsic value that is better than the other. Here is a Intrinsic Values worksheet that I give out to help prompt thinking. There are many more values a person can use – but Intrinsic Values list will help you get started.

Activity

From the list, choose 5-10 values that are true to you. This may take a few read overs to go from a larger list to a smaller list.

A way to tell a true value vs. “nice to have traits” is that if you were to get $500 000 to no longer have that value, would you take the money? For example, I like being tidy and I know society values it (and those around me), but I would take the money to no longer be tidy. However, I would not take the money to no longer be kind, helpful or hardworking. So these are my true values. Also be aware of the pull towards values that society values – that may not be as true to you.

Societal values are constantly changing – and remember, this is about finding your own PERSONALIZED values, that tell us about what influences your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Questions to Ponder

After looking at the list, is this someone you would want to be friends with?
Does this give you any new perspective about why you enjoy certain people, and why others seem not to be a good fit in your life?
Do your values give you any new deeper insight about a value conflict when you have been upset or hurt?

Incorporating INTRINSIC VALUES Into Your Life

Each week or two (set an alarm), rate yourself from a scale of 1-10 of how much you incorporated these values into your life. A lower score does not indicate poor performance, it means that may be a value that may need expressing or nurturing in the next coming weeks. Likewise a 10 does not mean perfection, it means you utilized that trait highly during that time period.
The above activity is also good to do when you are feeling down or upset. If you are upset with another person, focus on yourself, and notice what the situation says about you, rather than being judgemental of someone else.
When working on a new goal, such as a healthier lifestyle, studying for a new career, or trying something new, be extra purposeful of using these INTRINSIC VALUES along side when evaluating progress. For example, put a sticky note with your values on the scale to prompt you.

Blog, Couples, Edmonton Healthy Lifestyle, Edmonton Mental Health Program, Edmonton Weight Loss, Healthier You, Healthier You Challenge, Relationships

Edmonton Healthier You Challenge

March 30, 2017 mbecker

I am thrilled to be partnering with CTV Edmonton, Body by Bennett, Revive Wellness and Maya Nishiwaki, General Practitioner on an exciting and life-changing 12 week challenge to make over the lives of two Edmonton. If you would like watch the journey of these two amazing couples, you can visit the CTV Healthier You Page. To learn more about the Georges and Godfreys, and discover why they joined the challenge, see these videos. They will also be discussing their journey on air with CTV Health Reporter Carmen Liebel and on social media (#healthieryou). Watch for Carmen’s weekly Healthier You stories airing every Thursday on CTV Edmonton at 5:00 and 6:00 pm.

Over the next 12 weeks, I will be supporting these couples in re-training their minds to thinking healthy, and sharing many psychology strategies for them to use throughout their journey and in the future. Psychology is a very important part of this challenge, as we know that a healthy mind is critical for a healthy body. The mind and body are so interconnected, and psychological health is a prerequisite for overall health – similar to a well-functioning engine is required for a car to be great. Just a shiny exterior won’t do! I will also be making resources available to others who are interested in joining the couples on making their lives healthier.

Check back here for information and resources you can use to join these Edmonton Couples on their journey and make a Healthier You! Click below see what we worked on each week for the Healthier You Program:

Phase 1: Healthier You – Foundations for Success

Week 1 – Motivation, Defining Success, & Intro to Healthy Thinking About Food

Week 2 – How to Create a Mindfulness Practice – With Food, Life and Relationships

Week 3 – Identifying & Navigating Through Potential Roadblocks (ie. Difficult Emotions, perfectionism, all-or nothing thinking)

Week 4 – Happiness and Living Life With Intention

Phase 2: Healthier You – Improve Your Mindset

Weeks 5 & 6 – Decluttering the Mind: Changing Negative Self-Talk to Something Helpful

Week 7 – Improving Our Relationship With Ourself

Week 8 – Self Compassion

Phase 3: Healthier You – Relationships

Week 9 – How to Have Healthy Conflict

Week 10 – Love: Ways to Show Love (and fill your partner’s love meter)

Week 11 – Play: How to Have Fun As Couple and a Family

Phase 4 – Planning for Success

Week 12 – Relapse Prevention and How to Continue a Healthy Life

Presented in partnership with:

Maya Nishiwaki, General Practitioner

**Disclaimer**

This site offers health and psychological information and is designed for educational purposes only. You should not rely on this information as a substitute for, nor does it replace, professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have any concerns or questions about your health, you should always consult with a physician or other health-care professional. Do not disregard, avoid or delay obtaining medical or health related advice from your health-care professional because of something you may have read on this site. The use of any information provided on this site is solely at your own risk.

Developments in research may impact the advice that appears here. No assurance can be given that the advice contained in this site will always include the most recent findings or developments with respect to the particular material.

If you are in North America and think you are having a medical or health emergency, call your health care professional, or 911, immediately.

Anxiety, Blog, Communication, Relationships, Stress

Why don’t you like me: When approval seeking becomes a problem

March 5, 2017 mbecker

Are you a people-pleaser?

We all want approval. We want our partners to think we’re attractive and funny, we want our bosses to think we’re intelligent and hard-working, we want our friends to think we’re fun and dependable, we want our children to think we’re cool parents…and the list goes on. It’s perfectly normal to want to be seen in a positive light, but for some people, approval-seeking can become an automatic and unaviodable behaviour that severely impairs one’s functioning and well-being. This might sound familiar to you because it’s something that you’re currently struggling with, or it might be a problem that you’ve noticed in others. Either way, it’s important to recognize when approval-seeking has become an oft-used crutch, and to take steps to reduce this maladaptive behaviour. As Bob Marley said, “you can fool some people sometimes, but you can’t fool everybody all the time”. The same goes for pleasing people – sooner or later, one of your approval-seeking attempts will inevitably fail, and you won’t feel very good about yourself.

At this point, you may be wondering, how can you tell whether approval-seeking is a problem in your own life? Some potential clues to watch out for include extreme anxiety at the thought of any potential conflict or disapproval from others, altering your own opinions or behaviour because you perceive that someone disapproves, acting contrary to your values and beliefs in order to please others, apologizing excessively, and finding yourself afraid to say ‘no’ to any request made of you.

On a clinical level, approval-seeking can sometimes be indicative of an underlying diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, but more commonly, the behaviour can stem from many different roots such as childhood bullying or insecure attachment. Approval-seeking behaviour, many argue, is learned rather than inherent; therefore, it can also be ‘un-learned’. If you feel that this behaviour may be a problem in your own life, there are a few strategies that you can employ to try to reduce it:

Start by identifying: Are you aware of when you’re engaging in approval-seeking behaviour? Sometimes, this behaviour can manifest in rather obvious ways (for example, doing things that you don’t want to do in order to gain approval), while other times, it may appear more subtly (for example, you might find yourself paying someone an insincere compliment). Dedicate a few days to paying close attention to your own behaviour – don’t judge or criticize yourself, simply notice the patterns that emerge. Pay attention to your own thought processes, and try to identify the areas of life (or the specific social situations) in which you tend to seek approval.

Move on to questioning: Now that you’ve identified where your approval-seeking manifests, you can move on to the harder work: questioning why you’ve been engaging in these behaviours. The reasons may not always be clear – as mentioned earlier, approval-seeking often originates as a result of childhood experiences that you may not recall completely – but just do your best. For example, if you find yourself spending your Friday night at a club with your friends even though you’re exhausted and were dying to spend the evening curled up on the couch with popcorn and a movie, ask yourself why you went out. Were you scared that your friends would be disappointed in you if you bailed? And if they were disappointed in you, what would happen then? Take the time to really interrogate your own beliefs and motivations – you might gain a lot of insight.

Tell everyone: If you feel comfortable, try explaining your quest to decrease approval-seeking to your friends and family. Saying something like “I’ve noticed that people-pleasing behaviour has become a problem for me, and I’ve decided to work on it – so you might notice me saying no to things more than usual” can go a long way in setting the social stage for your behaviour change. If your friends have been forewarned that you might say no to their requests sometimes, you might just feel more comfortable doing so. If they truly care about you, they’ll almost certainly understand. If you want to take it a (brave) step further, you can even try asking your loved ones to point out to you when they notice you seeking approval. This last tactic runs the risk of hurting your feelings, however, so make sure to be cognizant of that.

Engage in self-care: You’ve been worrying yourself sick about pleasing other people, so it’s likely that you haven’t given much thought to taking good care of yourself. Try using the time you gain back as a result of decreasing your approval-seeking to engage in some good old-fashioned self care. Queue up your favourite Netflix show, sink into a hot bath, catch up with your significant other, read a book, plan a trip, or do all of the above – just make sure to take time for yourself to fully relax, and turn off your phone while you do so!

As always, it’s important to consider the valuable and often-neglected option of sourcing the help of a Psychologist to help you examine the reasons behind your approval-seeking behaviour and help you work to reduce said behaviour. Above all, remember to be kind and patient with yourself when you’re trying to reduce approval-seeking behaviour. This kind of big behavioural change definitely doesn’t occur overnight, and for many of us, this behaviour has been with us since childhood, so treat yourself with kindness and appreciate the small victories. You’re doing something good for yourself just by reading this article – and before you know it, you’ll be enjoying a new sense of control over your life and toasting to your people-pleasing past.

Blog, Communication, Couples, Edmonton Date Night, Relationships

A Little More Conversation: Relationship Communication Tips

March 5, 2017 mbecker

You’ve probably heard people say before that no is perfect; that no matter how compatible two individuals are, behind every lasting couple is a large amount of hard work. Possibly the most important kind of ‘hard work’ that gets done in good relationships is quality communication.

Author Fyodor Dostoyevsky once remarked that “much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid”. Similarly, a 2013 study examining which interpersonal skills were most predictive of romantic relationship success found communication to be the most significant predictor examined; that is, communication skills were more important in relationship maintenance than were conflict resolution skills, knowledge of one’s partner, life skills, self management, sex and romance, and stress management.

In some ways, we’re more connected now than ever before . The ubiquity of social media, email, and text messaging has created a world in which our loved ones are constantly reachable at the press of a button; as a result, many people would likely argue that communication isn’t an issue in their relationships. However, some argue that quality is more important than quantity in determining relationship success: if we can’t communicate about the tough stuff and the heavy stuff, we may as well not be communicating at all. We live in an interesting time, romantically speaking: divorce rates are high, people are getting married at a later age, and social media and the internet have made meeting potential partners almost as easy as going grocery shopping. The lucky among us will find people with whom they want to spend their time long-term, but even perfect couples can run into stumbling blocks when it comes to communication.

So what is a well-meaning couple to do if quality communication seems awkward, embarrassing, daunting, or simply impossible? Luckily, psychologists have been studying this very subject for many years, and a few significant findings exist that just might be of use in your love life:

Stay positive: A 2006 study found that the more positively spouses reacted to each other’s good news, the better their relationships tended to fare over time. This advice is fairly intuitive: if you act positive and happy most of the time (and especially in relation to the events transpiring in your partner’s life), your relationship is more likely to have an overall positive tone. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to act like Pollyanna when you feel like crying (honesty, after all, is another important facet of partner communication); it simply means that erring on the side of positivity is generally a healthy relationship communication tactic.

Listen first, talk second: When your partner is telling a story, expressing a point of view, or explaining something to you, try not to be forming your next rebuttal while they’re speaking. Listening with your complete attention is one of the most important relationship communication skills – after all, it’s pretty easy to tell when somebody is waiting for their turn to talk rather than listening. If you love your partner, you should value what they have to say equally or more than you value what you have to say.

Argue smarter: Contrary to popular opinion, it’s okay to fight or argue in your relationship – in fact, conflict can actually be a good sign that you’re addressing issues rather than burying them. When you find yourself in a dispute, though, there are a few ways to ensure the conversation goes as productively as possible. A good way to convey that you understand what your partner is trying to communicate is to repeat back what they’ve said to you, but paraphrased. For example, if your girlfriend has just finished a five-minute rant about your laziness around the house, try replying something like “I get that you feel like I haven’t been pulling my weight”. You don’t have to agree with her, but simply acknowledging that you understand her point of view can go a long way.

Make time for each other: We all lead busy lives, and especially if you and your partner have children or have different schedules, quality time together can often fall by the wayside. Notice when this happens, and communicate to each other that you want to plan to spend an evening doing something fun together or just enjoying each other’s company. Remembering why you fell for your partner in the first place (and telling them that you remember) can be powerful.

Share your feelings: This one might sound obvious, but it may not be for some people: it’s important to tell your partner what you’re feeling, both when those feelings are positive and when they’re tougher to express. Tell your partner when you’re having a good time spending the day with them; equally, tell your partner when you’re feeling down. Your romantic partner should be the person who is most privy to your feelings, mainly because they are likely going to be the person most able to augment the good emotions and alleviate the pain of the bad. Of course, you don’t have to tell them literally everything that passes through your head, but sharing how you feel can go a long way towards building a sense of connection and safety.

No buts allowed: Try to avoid the word ‘but’ when arguing or apologizing – as in “I’m sorry, but…”. This tiny word is a powerful weapon that, whether used intentionally or unintentionally, does wonders to undermine the level of respect you’re conveying towards your partner.

Whether you’re married, dating, or single, it’s important to gain a quality understanding of relationship communication skills and to continue building on your existing skills over time. Love isn’t always easy, but most of us would likely agree: the work is worth it.

If you would like to learn more about effective communication for your relationship, contact us for an appointment.